Thursday, June 19, 2008

May I Stand on Christ Alone

It's 2:30AM as I lay here at Lake Park Rehab and I cannot sleep. I could think it was the bladder that woke me, but it's empty now and yet I remain awake. It is the nature of my faith that consumes me right now. Am I standing on my own, or am I standing on the rock of Christ Jesus? Is all this optimism, positive thinking, daring and hope in the face of this new disease just the vain chest puffing of a man who hasn't faced as much as he'd like to think...or am I truly standing this strong on Christ? I cannot help but fear the former; but is that itself just a fear born of these trying circumstances?

I cannot deny it. The past several months have seen my personal faith in decline. While I've aspired to nobler personal integrity amongst men my relationship with Christ has suffered an almost abysmal silence. My reading of Scripture has all but disappeared; even the Bible studies with the kids have given way to summer activities and other excuses. I've wondered aloud many times if the zeal with which I had sometimes read the Scriptures was born of nothing more than my naked desire to be embroiled in great debates in online forums; that it was simply the means of satisfying a fleshly desire for argument and not an end unto itself. Yet I know that the Word sticks with me. There can be no doubt...particularly now...of the lasting presence of the Word of God there to comfort and answer me in times of need.

I'm not sure what to expect now. I can only throw myself at the foot of the Cross and cling to only true hope in this time. I said it in prayer tonight and have said it to myself several times as a reminder: apart from the Cross of Christ the very worst I have experienced through this ordeal will seem like paradise when my days are done.

Lord, strip away the vanity of my own human hopes and courage. Draw me close and ignite in me the true fire of faith to consume the false fire of pride. Leave me nothing but Christ and Him crucified. Let me glory only in His name and His work, and let others see His face in me through this struggle.

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